Mess?

Under construction...

Event Report.

First of , event report.

I had bid goodbye with the 'gang' I used to have dinner with. The action doesn't take effect immediately though. In order to evenly distribute the food fund we shared, it will only take effect after Tuesday. I guess all that changes is that I would no longer have dinner and shopping with them.

They doesn't seems to care much though, are they expecting this?

The fact that they doesn't care ( Or at least appear to be) is a pain. I do infact care about this relationship. Sigh. This doesn't mean the end of our friendship though, it just mean that our interactions will be far less if compared to the way it was before.


One particular thing that I have done this week, is get my hair cut, by myself. My standards for my hair isn't high, But I wouldn't accept dog-bite hair style as well. Thus, it is very demanding work, as I was afraid that I might create a hole within my messy hair.

It ended well though, at least within my satisfaction ( You have to compensate for my 1st timer-skills). The only thing I didn't do well is maintaining the symmetry of my hair ( left and right is a bit imbalance). I will post my pictures later.

It took me some courage to start. But it wasn't so bad. I keep telling myself, it I really ruined up. All I need to do is go to a decent salon and ask for 1 inch hair.

The Ruler

One of the main reasons I did not leave the 'gang' in the first place is because I want to know their point of view. Although I changed more or less a bit in this new environment, the core remains. I was anxious to find out what others think of me.

In high school, particularly during years of seniors, I practically doesn't care how others view of me. The only thing I know from others is that they find me a bit strange, but that was it. My ignorance caused me to totally hide myself within the my world, a world which I only share with my inner circle of friends.

The reason I went overseas to study is more than pursuit my goal, but to change as well. In a new environment, with no-one who know your past, it is easier to start totally new. I can mold myself into any form I want ( I always thought I was versatile).

Problem is, to find the correct shape ( Character) I want to be, I need some ruler. And so I participate in groups. Wanting to find my flaw, strength. (Sorry, it sounds like I am using others as tools) Thus, even-though I know it all along the group wasn't the type for me ( Basing on their way of life and types of interaction), I still joined, I thought it shouldn't be a problem. As I'm always good at hiding and molding, or at least I thought I was.

But life wasn't a breeze. Since the badminton incident, the only trend I find the relationship is going is downwards. And I actually drag until now to make a decision, a move. What was I waiting? Could somehow another incident happen to change the tide?

I had been a fool who only wait for his destiny call, Not taking any action to cure the source. It is as if I believe time will solve the problems....
How pathetic...

At least it is solved now, I felt a mixture of feelings when I announce that I'm not going to have dinner with them anymore. A mixture of sad and happy, reluctant that our interactions is going to an end, yet relieve that this is all over.

Issues...

I am currently planning to leave the group of "Fenner gang". Well, indecision has struck me for quite some time. I actually discussed this with Negk and concluded that I should leave. But then, a fellow among the group talked with me about these issues, he successfully convinced me to change my mind - shined some light on the relationship I have with the A ( badminton racket destroyed guy) and that maybe I just need more time to adapt.

But nothing stands the test of time, I just can't be myself in this gang (Is it worthy enough to be called as a gang? ). The relationship I have with them did not change it's course. It just stay that way through this one month period, and even gone worse at some point.

There are many issues that arises to cause the fault. With the first and main course is probably the relationship I have with A. A one of the main character in the group (Although he did not live in Fenner, yet ). He is by far one of the most talkative, out-spoken person I meet. This spread his influence wide and I guess it affected everyone. He still refuse to greet back against me when I run into him on Campus. And he actually wrote on his spaces (pointing that I am a source of his unhappiness). Oh crap, I think he did that purposely, there's no way he wasn't aware that I'm in his messenger list. He added me during the start of the semester.

Which is why I don't link blogs, MSN, Facebook together. It might be convenient for others to keep you on-track. But in the case of A, writing out unfavorable things like this not only deteriorate the relationship between me and him, but also influenced our friends....

I guess he wants me out badly...

Secondly, I guess it could be that we just have no common topic. They like to gossip (A being the main topic bringer) about how is their high school mates doing, how is things like in Johor. 90% of the time they are just gossiping (usually this isn't some good, positive rumors ). And the other 5% they might be discussing about Financial or Economics, as they study under those discipline. This means that I can give no input into the discussion. Which means I practically just sit there doing nothing while listening to their talks.

Well, there is nothing wrong with being quiet all the time. Those of you who know me well should know that, my personalities changed into a withdraw or self-isolated person whatever I came across a stranger. I will only be active with I'm with my close friends. Staying quiet all the time just doesn't make me feel that I belong here. Also, this could means that they are stranger to my unconsciousness?

Whats more...

Hmm, I never mention polarization in society to any of you guys right ?
Polarization ( is the uneven distribution of electrons - Chemistry).

In my experience, it is one of the greatest force that shape us. With the help of Polarization , people can shirt their abilities and talents easily.

An example would illustrate the idea better. Let's consider if a person do very well in a mathematical test in the start of the semester. Which leads to everyone recognizance of his talents, including himself. He will tend to continue his domination. His talents and self-confidence will be ever growing as others will consult him when they face difficulties in Mathematics. Giving him more experience in terms of exercise. Not to mention that teacher will shade light (pay more attention) to those who has done well.Vice-versa for the poor fellow those did not did well at first, Eventhough his talents might actually be higher than others. He and the others didn't thought so....

And, Polarization happens in a gang as well. In this case, the quiet person grow more quiet. And now I find myself rarely speak to other members in the gang other than dinner based topics. They tends to neglect me as well to continue their gossips...



That, is the cycle, I want to break ....

Adapted well...

As stated in the title, after one month and more being here, all I concluded is that things have gone well. Not everything is on the right track but, that's a part of fun and excitement in life.

In words of Biology, I would say I colonized this new and foreign area. The new live I am have here is an improvement (at least in my sense). I have shifted my live to a more studying orientated. With the aid of time and space, their are now (I believe) incorporated to my habits. Which technically means, I find my time here more easy and relaxing.......

Though, a few things I didn't like is that I didn't manage to update my blogs regularly. Who I am tricking here, half hour per day is not much, and I can afford it. What's more, my live and experience here actually gave me lots of idea to write from. I just ain't sure where to start...

So, blogging will probably changed ( but still, don't expect daily updates)...

Conflicting Views

We went to resupply today. Headed to Dickson which is about half an hour walk from Fenner Hall with a group of friends. After eating at Subway and gone through all Asian shops, we move foward to our final destination - Woolworths. The place that I resupply weekly as it offers a variety of items at great prices.

During our journey, I believe the usage of mouth is significantly more than the usage of legs for some of us. They just talk, talk and talk. It surprise me that they never run out of topic, which ranged from weather to interesting facts they find about of others. I didn't get to input much as most the time they are referring to someone in their high school, mostly girls ( They are from same high school) ...

Typical Guys, I don't really know what I feel about them sometimes....

But they bump into meaningful stories occasionally, which draws my attention. Here is one stories that I find interesting...

"One day, A went to a famous restaurant to enjoy his diner. It is a hot pot meal he was having with his friends. A young waiter that was serving them accidentally spoil a lot of oil onto the hot pot, which resulted in a small explosion. A's clothes got burned, his table of food was ruined. The boss the of restaurant only offered to cover some medical fees ....."


What will you do, if you are A.....


A and his friends did not pursuit for more, even though they clearly deserve more. He said that the young waiter had been scared, he had been shivering since the incident occur. It is clear that this is just an accident, an unlucky them for them. He even continue his dinner with his friends on another table. Although he never went to the restaurant again after that..

Hearing story alone is enough to cause B to jump, he immediately tell A how stupid he is ( It doesn't sound that bad, at least he sounds like advise and joking, not scolding). He said he will surely fight for it, and probably would not leave until the incident got solved the way he want. To further strengthen his position , he even tell if a story to describe what length he is willing to got into to get things done - He aid his friend to storm into a restaurant to scold loudly at peak hours to find justice.

"It seems wise", said C. He said that A have made a wise choice. It is good for both sides. The most important part is that A doesn't make a new enemy. Doing things the B's way will probably make that day a bad day (not just mere unlucky) and you will have one more enemy...

For me, I would probably just accept what the restaurant offers, would not ask for more. But I wouldn't continue to have my dinner there. This is a day that is bad enough, I don't want to worsen it. The worst victim of this incident is probably the waiter, who had blamed himself enough (as no one is hurt in this case). If I burst out the anger, argue for more, it probably will just make the matter worst...


We all have our choices, it is just we are choosing unconsciously most of the time...


Interestingly, we could identify some key component of the characteristic of A, B, C and myself just by looking at these. I can't go into details. But here's some thought

In short, A is a good guy ( Who is willing to sacrifice himself for the good of others) , B is a fellow who stands firmly on his rights ( he crafted himself a few enemies already) , C try to view this problem in terms of friendship ( He have the largest number of friends among us).

I can't seems to identify a clear character in myself.
It is not easy to reflect on oneself.
Maybe I'm the kind that just doesn't want to evaluate the problem , just hate problems?

What you guys think?

My Greatest Regrets so Far

Well, now that I'm in a totally different environment, and is having another kind of lifestyle, I can now look back and enjoy my past from another perspective. Doesn't things look different when you are viewing them from afar? Thing isn't the same again when you grown. Studying abroad allowed escalation of my life, allowing me to look back from another whole new angle.

So, I basically get to recall all my past, and said to myself, What an idiot I have been.Yes, I think this is normal, to criticize yourself, it is a way of evolution and path towards improvement. And after the blaming, we will always have regrets. After all, What is life without regrets? We are bound to make mistake, if and only if we learn from them...

My greatest regrets so far is that I didn't appreciate my time when I graduate from high school. I just trash my time into drain while waiting for an acceptation from a University. I did worked for 1 month and went into NS for 2 and a half months, but that's all.I think I could have achieve so much more if I have treasured my time more. Don't get me wrong, I value these times I spent in teaching and NS. Infact, I had learn and grown a lot during those time, but it's just not enough. The knowledge that I gained during my high school slowly fade away while I'm busying with dairy life. Worst of all, I have to relearn them again.....


Ever have some part of life that you couldn't recall clearly, no matter how hard you try? No, how can you be thinking about Alzheimer's Disease ( Or it is that I'm the only one?) . Do you believe that it is a blessing to be able to forgot?

In my case, I have pieces of memories started from age of 3, vivid experience kick in around 4-5 years old. But I also have a gap of memories during my high school. Even after 6 years in it, I felt a great void in it. There are quite a few years where I have no memories of, except a few friends and a certificate. It is as if nothing exciting happened during those time in my life - everyday is exactly the same. Having experience nothing and same, the feeling of numb expands, which turns me into a 'Zombie'.

Then again, this is life, we're the result from our past. Without these issues to trouble me, I would not come to this point- a point that I find satisfaction. I believe it is our mistakes that mark our growth, not our achievements.....


Sorry for the delay, I wrote these as draft two days ago, but didn't do any checking or reediting until now....

Three strangers

No, I am not talking about the everyday stranger you meet around, nor I am going to discuss about a stranger that you ran into or a stranger that you fall in love in first sight.There are three kind of strangers I have identified and categorized. There strangers are strangers you do not want to met frequently. The thought of them is enough to make you feel awkward and embarrass. At their worst, they will refresh the bad memorize that haunt you. Well, but not all three of them are that bad....

I will proceed from the best

Though the first kind of stranger that I'm going to talk about is not going to make you feel bad, but they still definitely bring out something negative (why am I so negative?). The negative feeling? It is the feeling of loss, feeling of regretion as if you have done something wrong. That some part of you have been left behind. There strangers weren't always stranger, heck, they might once been a major part of your life. Yup, that's right.They are the old pals and friends that have been out of touch for too long. The fortress of friendship build by you and him/her can't stand the erosion of time - You both might have already changed into another person. But generally, it is easy to restore connection if you are proactive about it.Agree that this is the best ? Good..

Oh wait, you can't compare yet....

The second one wasn't that bad as well. They are strangers that you meet frequently, and they didn't make you feel bad. It is just that, they are harder to approach then normal strangers. I'm still considering if I should categorized them into stranger club. Wait, you don't even know their name, they should then definitely be put into stranger group. But these strangers are not totally stranger, because you will probably be able to recognize their face. Feeling confused ? There is more to come...

Here comes your living nightmare, the reincarnation of your trauma. You might have gone through a full scale war with this fellow, hot or cold doesn't matter. His/Her appearances is enough to cause a great disturbance to your little world. You probably want to avoid this person at all cost. This situation is most common, to the extent that I think I should let your mind wonder alone...

There is enough stranger in the world already. Thus, if you stranger list is increasing after \ the increment of population ( I know that the population is growing), you might need to do something about it.
____________________________________________________________________________________

I purposely leave the second stranger undefined.
If you could give a nice definition and name for it,
you will be awarded a chance,
to choose the topic for my next writing....

Dead line :5 August 2009
Submit by comment.
I will be the judge....
And there will only be one winner...

Terms and Conditions does apply for the topic....
I still have some secret and undisclosed information I want to keep....

Water

When I was asking for comments from a friend of mine - KeithLKL,
he gave me this, a philosophy from Bruce Lee (Chinese Version).

水具有五种特性：

●水可以放入碗中成为碗的形状，放入杯中成为杯之形。它是如此地具有柔顺性、适应性、协作性，而不会一味蛮力对抗。

Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. when you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. It is has amazing characteristic of flexibility, adaptability, collaborative, and it would not use brute force as a resolve to confrontation.

●水虽然具有非常的忍 耐性，但它有时又能显得无比强大：有时它的力量足以轻易推动巨石。因此一个镇静如水的人，可以凭借其强大的内在力量对付一位嚣张自负的挑战者。

Water are able to tolerance everything, yet sometimes it is incredibly strong : At time, it can move a giant stone with ease. Thus, a person who is still as water, can use it's strong inner energy to fight against an arrogance opponent.

●水，当它 静止时是如此澄清，而一旦它汹涌、咆哮时，它又变得那样的浑浊而具毁灭性。当我们心灵宁静时，我们的思想是最清朗的，并且能够极好的自我控制。

When water is still, it is crystal clear. But when it is roaring, raging, it become a chaos of destruction. When your mind is clear, your thoughts will also be clear. This will lead to a high self-awareness level.

●水，能够 无视重压而前行。它流过篱笆、流过基底而毫无褪色。它永不分离，没有分裂结帮的派性，在任何情况下都是平等互助的，可以在地球表面的任何物体上流动。

Unstoppable by any obstacle, water may deluge itself to move through trenches, pass through base, yet it's color doesn't change. Water will never separated, as there is no separatist within. it's internal structure aid itself under every circumstances. Thus, the mutual assistance they achieve sustain them throughout it's journey.

●如果你与水协作，那么水就是你的朋友，如果你反击它，那么它就会变成你的敌人。一个充满恐惧、惊慌不安的人如果落入水中，极有可能会沉没；而一个平静的 人在水中则可能因水的托力而上浮，正如现实中，如果人们彼此抗争、敌视，那么他们将会旋入无底地冲突、猜疑和憎恨的深渊之中。只有那些高尚守信的人们，才 能够彼此更适应，而更加和平地相处。

If you are in collaboration with the water, then water is your friend, if you counter it, then it will become your enemy. If a fear, uneasiness person fall into water , he will most likely be drown to death. While a calm person will use the buoyancy of water to float. As in reality, if human fight against each other hostilely, they will then throw themselves into a bottomless pit. Only those noble and trustworthy people can adapt and live together in peace.

●朋友，象水一样吧！

Be water, my friend...

Translate using Google translation, I just do the tuning part....
But I think everyone have their own version of translation,
based on the way they perceive their live...