One of the main reasons I did not leave the 'gang' in the first place is because I want to know their point of view. Although I changed more or less a bit in this new environment, the core remains. I was anxious to find out what others think of me.
In high school, particularly during years of seniors, I practically doesn't care how others view of me. The only thing I know from others is that they find me a bit strange, but that was it. My ignorance caused me to totally hide myself within the my world, a world which I only share with my inner circle of friends.
The reason I went overseas to study is more than pursuit my goal, but to change as well. In a new environment, with no-one who know your past, it is easier to start totally new. I can mold myself into any form I want ( I always thought I was versatile).
Problem is, to find the correct shape ( Character) I want to be, I need some ruler. And so I participate in groups. Wanting to find my flaw, strength. (Sorry, it sounds like I am using others as tools) Thus, even-though I know it all along the group wasn't the type for me ( Basing on their way of life and types of interaction), I still joined, I thought it shouldn't be a problem. As I'm always good at hiding and molding, or at least I thought I was.
But life wasn't a breeze. Since the badminton incident, the only trend I find the relationship is going is downwards. And I actually drag until now to make a decision, a move. What was I waiting? Could somehow another incident happen to change the tide?
I had been a fool who only wait for his destiny call, Not taking any action to cure the source. It is as if I believe time will solve the problems....
How pathetic...
At least it is solved now, I felt a mixture of feelings when I announce that I'm not going to have dinner with them anymore. A mixture of sad and happy, reluctant that our interactions is going to an end, yet relieve that this is all over.
You really very good at hiding yourself in your world...At least you can learn something from that right? ^^ Well, I think you can quickly get used to the new environment... As always...But there's something I don't really get it... Is it really necessary to have a "gang"? I am in a "gang" too... I feel very happy when I am with them... But I always know... They don't suite me quite well... Maybe I am too serious and cannot play too crazy... But I am trying to be more like them as well...Because if it's a change for GOOD... I would do it whatever it takes... ^^ 加油~
ReplyDeleteFirst, thanks for the compliment. Though it would be better if I ain't good at hiding myself, then I would be forced to find an alternative route.
ReplyDeleteI actually never thought of not having a gang to stick with. It just never occur to me that how life would fare if it is "gangless". I know a few person who have many, many friends and yet have no gang. They are nice person, having only very little flaws in their character and attitude, yet they aren't very happy and always feel alone.
Gang is just a circle of friends you could stick with all the time. It is require to have a gang as a means to express youself by sharing you joy and sorrow. To know that you are not alone and someone actually care about you.
Though, it is just that we are living in a society. I sometimes still feel weird that I have to eat my lunch all by myself. Especially when everyone around you are in couple or gang...